You Are Loved, Always
This morning I was just bumming around the house before dawn and found some quietness in my head. It's very rare, but I believe that things come to you when you are truely ready.
If you see pictures of me you could easily assume I feel comfortable in my body or after so many years of mental illness and disordered eating I would view diets and everything differently. This morning I came to the intensely huge realisation I kept putting goals on myself to look a certain way. No matter how much I wished to convince myself it was for health, I know the deep ingrained thoughts from my past were still with me. I still felt 'fat', bloated, worthless, ugly, never good enough and far from skinny. It's a horrible mentality that an obscenely large amount of the western population of women, go through daily. It's also a lie. It's useless and waste of energy. I read so many blogs and follow a lot of young beautiful women who preach good health, which is awesome and the more the better! But what frustrated me so much the other day when I was listening to a pod cast is that she said "you just have to educate yourself and then there will be no way you will want to eat that". I have studied nutrition and health for so many years now and you know what? I still eat too much, drink a little too much wine sometimes, have a bucket load of fruit (sugar?! WHAT) and in Dubai I hate to admit it but I ate absolute crap. I am talking subway, a block of chocolate a day, shitty soy coffees, non gluten free plane food and other things I don't want to talk about! Until you have gone through such intense mental illness or dysmorphia you have no freaking idea how sometimes just learning something isn't enough. I was sick in Dubai, very sick. My mind played tricks on me and I couldn't gain control. I couldn't take a week or two to relax in nature and find some clarity in my head. I would cry for hours before getting on a flight because I felt so horrendous and my stress was SKY HIGH. I developed rashes all over my body and bloated up with 8kg more on my body along with horrendous digestion. There were a lot of situations that compacted what happened there and a lot of things would have been very different if found myself with better luck when I arrived. But I didn't and everything happens for a reason. It's another lesson I learnt and another thing I can relate to when the time comes for helping others through it. For months when I moved back to Australia I would wake up crying from dreams wishing things were different. Time moves on though. It's not the end of the world but it was a big part of my world.
From then on I once again was in my 'bad body' mindset. Half of me knew I needed to heal my body and the other half kept thinking I need to look better and then I would feel better. That side has kept winning ever since I was 10. I don't want any other women to think that way, little own the next generation of women or my own daughters if I have them one day. It consumes you fully and wastes all the INCREDIBLE talents, skills and desires you have. It's a waste of time. Are you a model? No? Thank god! Ok, then the size of your jeans don't matter.
Which leads me back onto my change of thought this morning. I need to stop thinking "what will make me attractive, skinny, jiggle-free", and instead think "what will give me more energy"? These last few weeks have been a bit of a struggle for me. My whole body feels weak and I hardly have enough energy to get through the day. My skin had been breaking out, I have been rather constipated (sorry TMI), immensely bloated and my joints have been incredibly stiff and sore. That's just my current status. My health is always a bit of a journey but this time I am making choices based on my energy level and internal health. High intensity workouts make me almost faint and my recovery time is over a week, this means my abs won't show anytime soon but at least I won't need to sleep as much to overcome the exhaustion. Stress shreds me of so much time and energy too, which means all the time I waste on feeling inferior I could be instead finding brain power to study and learn more creative arts (bring on photoshop and web design!). I lived off raw chocolate that made up 20% of my diet but I know it plays with my hormones and give me energy slumps... quitting chocolate for 12 weeks? No big deal! (pray for me). I am going to sit down and do a list of what gives me energy versus what takes it away.... want to do it with me? Comment if you have some good ones to share!
Lets blast all this external worth out the door and find peace and every within. I am working really hard to start turning the pages of the next chapter so hopefully you can too!