We Are the Creators of Our Lives
I have been waking up super early lately and I mean the kind of early when the starts are still shining and night has yet to morph into day. It's an interesting time of morning because you get to be preset in the wake of a new day, you see the light rise again and darkness disappear for another round. I also seem to get BOMBARDED with thoughts around this time that aren't just "should I have coffee today?" kind of thoughts but existential kind of thoughts. So instead of being overwhelmed by them, this morning I thought I would write them down.
This morning I was alerted with the message that I create my own life. Not just my thoughts but my actions build the trajectory to which I am following. When I really thought about this message I realised my mind is 'taking it easy' on one hand to allow myself to get better but on the other hand I am such a complete mess because I am not moving towards anything. I am in limbo. Floating, sinking, swimming to catch a breath and then just floating. No attempt to get to shore. I am staying put and don't know what I want. I am not clear with my intentions. I am just clearly bumming around, eating too much, allowing myself to sabotage my progress and deplete myself of any energy to achieve anything. Hello coffee, alcohol and chocolate... my most recent friends. I have only recently admitted to myself that I am still battling depression and old bulimia habits... which is not nice to admit to but it seems to always go in cycles. Each cycle does not last as long and it is not as intense as the last (my emotional break downs are pretty horrendous but my binges are mainly fruit, veggies, yoghurt and raw chocolate - so these belly rolls are made from good food at least), which is an awesome achievement but its still there. I still feel consumed by sad thoughts, food thoughts, worthlessness thoughts. It's debilitating and a waste of my life but it seems to be my journey. It's life teaching me something that I haven't quite learnt yet.
This morning, however, I realised I created these thoughts therefore I can shift them into something better. I CREATE my life. I manifest what surrounds me and I attract the experiences I endure. Of course the world is set up in a way to make you believe in these negative thoughts, but we have the power, somewhere deep inside, that intuitively knows these beliefs are wrong. They are against our true nature. I find that a person who has confidence in themselves and in their life to be such an incredibly attractive and alluring trait. One that I have lacked, because I felt I was never good enough and I always think too deeply about what other people think and feel. Which probably isn't even true most of the time! What a waste of brain power!
So here we are, a new sunrise and a new opportunity to shift our life into a positive direction. To pull ourselves out of the dark hole we built to crawl into because a small part of us always new we built a ladder, a bridge, an escape. We built it for a purpose, as a mechanism to be safe or to find some comfort. The day will come though when you realise, on your own, that you no longer have any use for this. You have outgrown it and can move beyond it. No one else can make you believe this, it has to come within. That is why we can spend years and years digging it deeper and deeper even though everyone around us tells us it's not needed. But we can't hear, we can listen but not hear. The voice in our head is louder and more powerful. It's the voice we need to fight. It's the voice we have the ability to change, to mould into something wonderful and something that lifts us up, not tears us down. It's a powerful idea to know that we are the one who is in control. This is the most important part of your journey because no matter where you are in the world, no matter who you are with or without, no matter how sick or how healthy you are and no matter what you have or what you don't, you ALWAYS have yourself. You need to make peace with yourself. We need to take control of our own minds and our own lives.
Todays step one:
Forgive yourself. No time has been wasted, only lessons have been learnt. The earlier on in your life you can experience them and overcome them, the more time you have to LIVE YOUR LIFE with light and freedom. You don't need to do anything other than find some time to sit in silence, lay in the sun, or snuggle in bed and just quietly chat to yourself. Let yourself find comfort in the space. Cry if you need to. Just let silence wash over you.