Choosing Happiness Now
What if all that we have right now is all we ever need to be happy, to feel worthy, to feel accomplished? I fall into traps of “if I only” or “when I have/do/achieve” then I will be happy... but I think it’s wrong to believe that happiness and contentment with our lives is this elusive figure of the future. What if we could look around and value this time we have right now instead of stressing over how we will buy a house a house one day, when will I find a job I like, what if I never find my soul mate, when should I have children if I want them, will I ever be able to travel to xyz? Etc etc... what if we stayed right here in this moment and found peace and joy? What if the power of our own happiness lay right in this moment?
I think society has kind of set us up to always want more or to always feel like we aren't enough no matter what we do. It's a strange way to think especially in the first world as we have abundance all around us and yet so many of us seem to see emptiness. Is it because we feel empty on the inside so we try and fill our outside world with stuff?
Last year I went through a very transformative period where I wanted to just chuck in the towel and run away. I know a lot of people can follow the same trend when all of a sudden you just feel like nothing is right so you have to change everything. I had just returned from a beautiful family trip to Italy (so lucky I got to see where my grandparents grew up!) and I was exhausted from travelling for months on end (a tour I worked on), I had no work to return to, my relationship was very rocky and I fell into the same old trap of feeling fat and gross. This time though, I made the decision to NOT follow the same patterns that I relied on to get through tough times. I made the decision to stay put. I turned deeply inwards and had this incredible realisation that NOTHING will ever be enough in my life until I believe that I am enough and I have everything I could ever need right within me. I was not to move or change anything in my life but instead find happiness right where I am. Appreciate every little thing I have and stop wishing for more. I realised that the only time I will ever have is right now and I cannot keep wishing my life away waiting for something to make me feel complete and bring me happiness. It was profound. I wish I could gift this experience to every single person out there. It's awful to have to hit rock bottom or to spend years and years in the darkest depths and feel like you are always drowning, but there is also so much beauty in it. I am so deeply grateful to have gone through this because once I decided that I was in fact a good person, I was worthy of love, that my body did not define me and I never had to loose weight or diet again, that I can say no to people and not feel guilty, and that everything that had happened in the past was indeed in the past, I was free. Freedom. It's an elusive concept but it is real.
Within just a few weeks my life changed completely. I felt alive again, I fell deeply back in love with my now husband, I made peace with my past, I fell in love with my body, I found my spark for life again and I fell pregnant! From August last year, to August this year my life feels like it has opened to all the positive things in this world. I see things differently and feel things differently. Now I am about to bring a new little human into this world! Yes, today is my due date! What a time to be alive. It's a beautiful warm sunny winters day here in QLD and I feel euphoric. I thought it was a good time to sit down and write about how I got to this point and look back at the incredible amount of personal work I have done. We should be allowed to be proud of ourselves and I really am. I know everything is going to be ok and I value each day. This life is mine and I am the only one who has the power to control it x